Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Babies, Babies, Babies...

Have you ever experienced one of those times where you and your partner have vastly differing opinions on something and neither of you are willing to budge?

That's where I'm at right now.  And it's related to a certain subject, one we've both been aware of but have never really sat down and talked about before as I think really we knew that our opinions were as opposite as opposite can be.  

The conversation about *whispers* more babies...


Recently I decided that as we were nearing Eli's 2nd birthday I'd bring the subject up.  I will be honest and say I had never directly brought it up before as I was fairly certain that my Other Half would say he was done and dusted and I was not am not.

I'd quite happily have an entire brood.  A rugby team of mini me's running around creating havoc (I'd also have more dogs, definitely some chickens and a couple of small animals as well but that's probably beside the point.)  My Other Half, no chance.  He is perfectly happy with two children and doesn't want any more thank you very much.  

And so since the royal mention, in which I tried to sweeten the deal by serenading him with Natasha Bedingfield's "I want to have your babies", we have had weeks of badly veiled comments; how we have the perfect family (my Other Half), how it would be nice to hold a newborn again (me), how when we go away we all fit so comfortably into our car (my Other Half) and how we needn't throw any of the baby things away because really, you never know (me) etc etc etc - the list is pretty endless to be honest!

As I type this neither of us have given ground.  We've talked about it, we've listened reasonably well to each other's opinions but we've both walked away convinced that we are in the right.  

How do we solve this?

It's a tricky subject because it's such an emotional one and there's not much of a compromise to be had!

I look at my two beautiful children and don't understand how anybody could not want to have another.  I don't see the added expenses, the needing a bigger car, the sleepless nights.  I just see my gorgeous babies and my biological clock chimes, shouts and waves its arms around wildly.  I love the potential they have, these new small human beings and I want to do that all over again.

My Other Half, being the more rational perhaps, sees the squeeze on finances, the teary hormonal months following the birth, the sleepless zombie nights arguing over who last got up and thinks "why would anyone want to go back to that?"  He looks at our two beautiful children and gives himself a pat on the back thinking how well we've done to produce two semi-refined human beings (I mean, some days they actually leave the food on the floor and let us sweep it up, that's pretty good going!)

Meg will be starting school in September, I have settled into my job, we've got a good routine going.  To have another baby would throw that all up in the air.  Which is kind of the way I like it.  I know we are so lucky to have Meg and Eli  and I never thought I'd reach the stage where I would be broody and begging for another child but as time ticks along and Meg and Eli evolve from being toddlers to actual real little people, I can't help but start to wonder what it would be like to add a third into the mix.

Some people will probably think this is way waaay too personal a subject to share but actually, I don't feel precious about it.  Whatever we decide in the end, right now we're in no mans land and I'm interested to know how other people have faced these conversations.

Who wins?  

15 comments:

  1. I could have written this! So I'm not alone!
    I turn 40 later on this year so it really is now or never. My practical husband thinks 2 is enough and is already losing hair worrying about the financial side of having two children nevermind a third.

    What happens next? Will I always hold it against him in 5 years when my child bearing days are well and truly over? If we did would he resent going through all the sleepness night stuff again? Would any mention of holidays or new material items be greeted with 'you wanted a third, so these are the sacrifices you have to make?'

    Will be interested to know which path you take!

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    1. Thank you for commenting, it's such a minefield because as you say, someone has to give ground and you want it to be done willingly not because they have to which will just cause resentment. It's definitely something we need to talk about more.

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  2. This is a hard one. I'm sitting here praying about what to say.

    I got nothing.

    I guess I am here to be your ear. A sympathetic sounding board - perhaps? All of your feelings are very real and need to be thought out carefully.

    I'm really sorry you are going through this.

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    1. Thank you :) It's a toughie! We have lots more talking and listening to do I think.

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  3. Since having our second we have been discussing the possibility of more in the future (my little one is only 4 months!). I would love another one or two but my hubby, like yours, is thinking of all the practical things like cars, bigger house etc. I think it is a gender thing, I cannot imagine never being pregnant again or never giving birth but obviously he doesn't see that side of things.

    Maybe as your two carry on growing your husband will change his mind and you should just persevere?

    It is hard and I hope you manage to come to a compromise that makes you both happy. Let us know how you get on!!

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    1. That's true, I loved being pregnant and that probably has a lot to do with it. Hormones have a lot to answer for as well!

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  4. well (sorry not meaning to sound offensive) my first piece of advise is do not get pregnant "by accident". Its a hard hard one,no right and no wrong here.
    I can see the financial view, you may need a bigger house, a bigger car, a 3rd mouth to feed, a 3rd to buy shoes and clothes and christmas presents for.
    But on the other hand babies and children do not need money and materialistic things to feel loved wanted and happy.
    I hope you can work out a solution that makes you both happy and not one that drives you apart.

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    1. No offence taken at all, I know for some people that's a very real route they consider! I would never put my marriage in that situation, yes I would love another baby but not at that price. I know eventually we'll reach a decision, no idea which but we'll get there!!

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  5. I was in your position exactly a number of years ago. Its a really tricky one and it was something that hung over us for 3 years, we got rid of all baby stuff, one or two people suggested I 'accidentally' got pregnant but I could never do anything like that.
    Eventually my husband realised that i wanted a baby more than he didn't...my 3rd child is almost 11 and a joy to have. Hope you get to work it out as its not really a compromise situation , one person has to back down but as long as its done with love and no resentment by one or the other of you, you will be fine. xx

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I 100% agree that we need to make this decision together and with the best interests of our family at the heart of it :)

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  6. My other half is an only child and doesn't see the need to go past one. We have exactly the same issues about adding to our family!

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    1. Sucks doesn't it! My husband is one of 4 and says he knows how hard it can be. I guess I just always saw myself as part of a big family and can't yet come to terms with this being it! Hope you manage to work it out too x

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  7. I still love the idea of a 4th hubbie says no and the risks are too high so that's the problem solved for us. We were both agreed on 3 - perhaps went into it blindly! It does cost a lot. Holidays are no longer easy - 2 rooms and all that I can't take the boys swimming by myself even though big man can swim. I am dreading shopping for shoes in the future. Would I change it? Never. I hope I will eventually be happy with my lot and not want 1 more - when baby man is a bit bigger and things get easier. You will end up making the best decision for your family xx

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  8. I would live another one and it's got worse since my sister had her baby! I see how good my kids are with their cousin and I think why not? But there are so many reasons why not. My youngest is nearly 7. We are in a different place in our lives and I'm 40 this year. But I can't help thinking I'll always regret it if we don't!

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  9. Don't know what happened here, we were both happy at two, a boy and girl but I never thought of 'the end' that I'd never be pregnant again etc. then madam turned four and hubby seemed to get really broody. We talked about regret, that you'd never regret having them - that the struggles and money will be forgotten but the love and family won't - so a 3rd came along, closely followed by a fourth. Now we'll never have another as family is big enough and last pregnancies were tough but I still feel a mourning that I'll never be pregnant or hold a baby again. I think it's a strong female instinct that sometimes means we should have more yet sometimes means we should snuggle someone else's. hubby will come round to your way of thinking if its right fo you xxx

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