Thursday, 7 August 2014

The Saddest Day...

*UPDATE*

I wanted to share this, as we have received so many prayers and messages of support since I wrote this post.  Sadly, I miscarried Baby McGlynn #4.  Obviously we are very upset but finding peace in the hope that one day we will get to meet our two lost babies. 

I don't know yet whether I will need any further medical intervention but we are praying that it will not be necessary.   

Thank you to everyone who contacted us.  It has meant an awful lot to know that so many people have been thinking of us.

**

It has to be said that 2014 has been a pretty rubbish year for us so far.  We moved 100 miles away from all our friends, our marriage hit rock bottom, my husband lost his job and I suffered a miscarriage on my birthday.  Not a great track record.

We were thrilled when we discovered that we were pregnant again, so soon after the miscarriage.  It caused a lot of head scratching and debating from my GP but an early scan confirmed I was around 5 weeks pregnant.  We felt like this was finally a sign of our luck turning around, our rainbow baby.  Our little miracle.

I went for a repeat scan yesterday and received possibly the worst news.  There was no heartbeat.  It was expected that I would be around the 8th week of pregnancy and therefore, there should be a heartbeat.  

The only consolation the midwife at the hospital could offer was that in my 5 week scan there had only been the yolk and sac present.  In this scan a 'baby' was visible, which showed that there had been signs of growth.  However it is only 2mm which is too small for the original dates and, obviously, the lack of heartbeat is concerning.

In a conflicting turn of events I was offered an intervention for the same day but handed a small sliver of hope that they may have dated me wrong in my original scan and I could be earlier on than first thought and so given time, it may turn out okay.  I was put on the spot with deciding what to do and had to go with my gut, that I don't want a surgical procedure and would rather let nature take its course.

I have a repeat scan booked for a couple of weeks time to see whether there has been any change but was encouraged to take the view that the pregnancy would have 'resolved' itself by that point.  In other words, I will miscarry naturally as my body realises it is not a viable pregnancy.

It feels like an impossible situation.  I have to keep turning away from internet searches, hunting for stories similar to mine; that I will find someone who says they were in my exact position and it turned out well.

I don't know whether to allow myself to hope and pray that when we return to the hospital there will be a baby with a little beating heart or to accept that I have lost this baby, just a few months after I lost my last baby.

I don't feel like I can grieve because what if I'm giving up on a baby that is still alive?  But equally, can I hope for something which seems to have already been concluded?

It is utterly heartbreaking.

I do know that some people won't understand my dilemma.  That they will feel this baby is just a collection of cells, that it isn't really a baby yet.  But to me, it is.  The minute I saw that line pop up on the pregnancy test, they were a real person.  I knew what their name would be, I could imagine their future, I knew the way they would fit into our little family.  They were my much longed for baby and I loved them with every piece of my being.  How could I not? 

I feel like there is an axe hanging above my head.  I know that I will be in pieces, if I still don't know one way or the other by the time my hospital appointment comes around.  Because of course, there's every chance that my body won't 'resolve' the situation itself.  That it will require some form of medical intervention which terrifies me to my very core.  I have had no bleeding, so I had no idea of the bomb that was waiting to drop yesterday morning.  What if nothing happens?

Sitting in the hospital yesterday, surrounded by statistics about miscarriage I know how lucky I have been to have had two straightforward pregnancies which resulted in two beautiful children.  I know that the chances of having two miscarriages in a row is 1 in 16 but, to be honest, I just never thought it would happen to me.  Is that arrogance?  I never pictured myself as the hunched over woman, clutching a stack of tissues and sobbing as she is ushered out of the ultrasound room, looking over at the women in the waiting room with their rounded, swollen bellies full of perfect little people.  The woman who can't look and swallows down a gut-wrenching sob as she passes a woman carrying her newborn baby in their car seat.  Knowing that I have two babies I may never get to meet.

I don't feel lucky.

I feel devastated that I have somehow failed.  That my body let me down.  That I wasn't enough.

Although I think Meg has guessed that I was pregnant, we haven't worked out how we will tell her yet, if we will tell her. Instead I keep a smile on my face and pretend that everything is okay.  It doesn't feel okay.  I am swinging between feeling totally numb and completely broken.  We have to go to a family wedding in two days time, I will somehow have to muster the courage to face everyone knowing that I may be housing a baby who simply isn't alive.

I'm clinging to my little sliver of hope but every time I feel a cramp, every time I go to the bathroom I feel as though I am waiting for the first sign, the first indication that it's not going to end well.

It is the not knowing that is the worst.  It is eating me up that I don't know whether I have made the right decision or simply prolonged the inevitable.

It is utterly heartbreaking.

16 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness this is so devastating and I don't even know what to say. Life can be so hard sometimes :( all I can do is to hope for the best for you. Also to say it is by no means your fault. Life is cruel but if the pregnancies haven't continued its because there is a reason. I know that doesn't make you feel any better but you haven't failed. I'm really sorry and hope for the best for you xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Jess, i am so very sorry to hear of your heartbreaking situation. It has brought tears to my eyes as i totally understand your pain. Like you I have two wonderful children but sadly also have two that i never got to meet. I lost my babies early at 6 and 7 weeks and the feelings you have now echo my own from 4 years ago. You are not arrogant thinking it won't happen to you and you certainly haven't failed or weren't enough, although i know hearing those words right now will make no difference, it takes time to accept that you are not at fault, it is just natures way and those special babies are needed elsewhere. I will be thinking of you over the next two weeks sending you all the luck and wishes in the world that everything turns out alright. Everything you are feeling right now is normal but you are strong and whatever the outcome you will get through it and come out the other side. I am always here should you want a listening ear. Take care, sending you big hugs xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Let nature take its course.
    I know exactly what you have been through as I have been there too. After 6 years of tryIng I finally got pregnant, we where so happy we told everyone. We set off on the day of the scan thinking today we will see our baby. Sadly I had suffered a thing called a miss miscarriage. The baby stopped at 7 weeks and they found no heart beat. The doctor was not very simpatetic, he said come back tomorrow and we will get that thing out of you. We where in shock so we did what we where told. It took me 2 more years to get pregnant, I lost the baby again at 7 weeks but it didn't come out until 10 weeks. I fell pregnant again after 3 months and I went on to have a lovely healthy little boy. I fell pregnant last year but lost the baby again at 8 weeks on my husbands birthday.
    If I was in the position again I would let nature take its course, as the procedure removes everything from your uterus, if there is any chance take it, but if it's bad news your body will be ready to start again.
    Keep strong Jess, you and your hubby will get through this xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so sorry. Life really is cruel at times. You're in my thoughts x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh Jess I didn't know you were going through such hard times and i am so so sorry you are dealing with this right now. I am always here to meet up, we are not far from each other, and if you feel up to it I would be more than happy to xxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Jess I couldn't not comment on this post. I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time at the moment. Sending you lots of love and hugs. x

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. It sounds so so tough. Life is so cruel sometimes and I don't even understand why. I pray your little sliver of hope turns into an amazing time for you. Thinking of you and sending you lots of good wishes xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. rebecca beesley29 July 2014 at 22:16

    thoughts and prayers are with you. much love xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Man you have had it tough but know our strength is made great in weakness. will be praying for you and your family. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  10. Jess, I am so sorry...I have been there, it is so tragic. I don't understand why they can't find a way to separate Mothers who have just found out they have lost their child to Mothers who are ready to give birth in some way. The day I had a scan that showed me I had miscarried, I was walking out of the hospital having been told this devastating news when a pregnant woman in labour was rushed past me. It does seem cruel. All I can say is it is incredibly common and just take deep breaths over the next few weeks and try not to worry. I am so sorry you are going through this right now.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh darling Jess, I know this year has been awful, but never would have guessed to the extent.
    None of this is your fault, you've done nothing to deserve this. I wish there were some words or something I could do to make this easier, on you.
    Having two beautiful children already won't make a miscarriage any easier to process, but hopefully their cuddles and love will provide you comfort at this difficult time
    You and your family are in my thoughts and prays xx

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh Jess, I don't know what to say but I could read and run. You poor thing, how terribly sad and unfair for you all. Thinking of you. x

    ReplyDelete
  13. Louise Fairweather8 August 2014 at 09:04

    All I can say is that I'm thinking of you xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh I am so so sorry to read this. Loosing a baby is just utterly heartbreaking and every sort of wrong, regardless of whether you have no other children or a gazillion. Be gentle with yourself; you didn't fail, it's not that you weren't enough, although I know how easy it is to fall into that mindset, it's just that sometimes really lousy things happen. I'll be thinking of you x

    ReplyDelete
  15. I said previously Jess, but I'm so sorry x

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am so sorry to read this. It is utterly heartbreaking, to lose a baby at any stage is so so cruel. I have a similar story, I only include the link as I hope it may help you realise that your feelings are justified and that you're not alone, but totally understand if you would rather not read. http://l-platemummy.com/baby-loss-awareness-story/ x

    ReplyDelete

I love to hear from people who've taken the time to read - do leave a comment :)